Today got up to around 53F so only having a morning appointment I decided to take advantage of the warmer weather. While 53F to me isn’t warm, it is December and really anything over 40F is a bonus. Hitting the trail I was first surprised at how most of the gardens were pretty dry. I half expected the trails to be muddy. As always I headed toward the far end of the gardens maybe two or so miles in from the entrance where my favorite pond and bench are. I did in fact make it there where I sat for a while to relax but the wind made it cold. I started to feel too cold so I got up and walked back. On the way I saw around six doe and one buck, about an eight point who just stood there on the trial as though he didn’t give a damn about my being there. Then there we two doe, they’re always so easily spooked so it’s hard to get a picture of them because they run away so fast. The one pictured ran about 20 feet into the brush then stopped and stared at me.
Heading to the morning appointment I passed the park and thought maybe I’d stop on the way back. The spot I always go to was empty and quiet which appealed to me. I’ve always preferred solitude when I’m in nature. Opening a cigar pack I took a puff and my mind wandered back like it always does. I’m very aware of it when that happens but I always welcome it. I thought about my kids and all the times we hung out here over the summer having a BBQ or hanging out with my best friend while drinking beers and talking shit. Then there were other thoughts too about the past. There’s always the comparison thing I do where I consider whether my life is better now than it was then. Looking out over the water I felt calm and content. Life is good and it’s getting better.
It’s always there, waiting to rob me of the moment. It creeps into my thoughts right at the time when I should feel good about what’s happening. Rather than enjoying the moment I feel nervous and unsure then it takes over. My heart beats faster, my breathing quickens and the roller coaster is set into motion. When she hugs me I close my eyes and slow my breathing so I can at least enjoy that moment yet it’s still there. Anxiety gets the best of me and robs me again.
Thinking back and trying to picture myself as a kid running around this place with friends. Hiding behind the larger grave markers and laughing. Yesterday we drove past, as we often do, so I decided to visit Ty’s grave site then circle around to the back part where we would hang out in the 80’s. This is the older part of the cemetery where nothing has changed for years so it’s easy to picture myself as a kid playing that game where we would try to find the oldest grave marker. I know my kids have heard it over and over but it’s just what I do, thinking back always and telling stories about how it used to be.