Years have been spent coming to this spot. Sometimes I’d take one of the kids or a decent camera in an attempt to enjoy nature but for the most part I’ve come to this far away spot to worry. Sitting here I think about my problems where they would become mountains. I’ve sat here and felt hopeless, afraid, angry, sad and defeated so many times that it’s hard to walk this path without feeling at least one of those emotions or at least remembering what troubles I’ve faced and am facing.
This walk was different in that while I did use the bench to contemplate my worries I also have been aware of how I use this place that I claim to enjoy so much as a place of worry. I don’t want it to be that anymore; at least I don’t want it to be a place where I always go to worry. I want it to be a place where I feel connected with nature and not a battleground for my emotions. This time I decided not to fight my feelings or judge them. The air smelled different and I heard sounds I’d not noticed so much before.
This time of year is always bittersweet! Typically it brings a measure of sadness because I’m so fond of warmer months but then it also represents changes in life. We learn to accept changes we can’t control and hopefully move on better equipped. This year the change is again bittersweet. The flowers are all dead and it will be a while before I see them bloom again, already I can’t wait for that. With this year comes another change in my life and one that I will accept and use what I’ve learned. There’s something else blooming and it’s love.
When I mentioned I could smell coconut you told me it was a body spray you really like. What trickery. I fucking love coconut. When we kiss, you like to caress my face. I haven’t told you, and I won’t, but I really dig that and hope you keep doing it. Your hair is long and it falls into your face sometimes so you tuck it behind your ear. I think that’s cute. A couple of times I’ve brushed it back for you. To be honest I used it as a way to get close and to kiss you again. You don’t say anything but I can tell you really like that so I’ll keep doing it. When we said our goodbyes you held my hand and I kissed yours. Some things don’t need to be said.
“Good morning sweetie. How are you today?”
I looked at the text a few times and smiled before sending my reply. That was the first time.
When your marriage dies a long painful death you forget or at least pretend you don’t need certain things. Over time the idea of hearing or saying something kind seems unnecessary and fake. The truth is everyone wants to be told they’re appreciated and cared for.
“I’m doing good beautiful, how are you?” A sincere compliment to someone who thinks I’m ok, gives me a big hug whenever we meet, smiles and looks at me that way. I never forgot those things but I forgot how much I missed them.