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2023


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When life is good I find it difficult to share my thoughts on this platform. My intention is always to share something here to look back on but I’ve always associated this blog with chaos in my life so that’s what I privately write down, my problems. Those posts are always there waiting for me to read again and think about those problems. I want this blog to be something different. I’d like to visit here in a year or so and see a nice picture or quick post about something good in my life, not tragedy.

There’s a local nature preserve that I’ve been visiting regularly for the past 25 or so years. It’s a place I discovered when I was in my early 20’s while out searching for garage sales. Being newly married, my life was, in many ways, just starting on the path of adulthood. There were plenty of trails to explore and I was determined to walk all of them. It was my place to watch and listen to nature. I grew up on those trails.

My walks started out great then as life threw me curveballs, as life does, I started to visit the trails and think about my latest tragedy. The sights became a blur and the sounds muted as I was stuck in my thoughts. This carried on for years, my place to go and think about my problems. Eventually I learned to accept that life does not follow a path you’ve created in your head but happens regardless of your best laid plans, some things are just out of your control. Being in the moment as much as possible is a key to enjoying life. When I visit the trails I just look and listen. Now I see the deer and trees for what they are again.

If I can use that tactic here it might help me to create a better history of myself.

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Worry Bench


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Years have been spent coming to this spot. Sometimes I’d take one of the kids or a decent camera in an attempt to enjoy nature but for the most part I’ve come to this far away spot to worry. Sitting here I think about my problems where they would become mountains. I’ve sat here and felt hopeless, afraid, angry, sad and defeated so many times that it’s hard to walk this path without feeling at least one of those emotions or at least remembering what troubles I’ve faced and am facing.

This walk was different in that while I did use the bench to contemplate my worries I also have been aware of how I use this place that I claim to enjoy so much as a place of worry. I don’t want it to be that anymore; at least I don’t want it to be a place where I always go to worry. I want it to be a place where I feel connected with nature and not a battleground for my emotions. This time I decided not to fight my feelings or judge them. The air smelled different and I heard sounds I’d not noticed so much before.

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Good morn!


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Simple but then she can’t know the impact it has. Those feelings of doubt and fear are erased. The timing is perfect.

Good Morning

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Creek


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Creek

Matthaei Botanical Gardens

It was in the 30’s yesterday but the sun was shining bright. It’s funny how just seeing the sun makes if feel warmer than it really is.

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Change


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Leaves Fall

This time of year is always bittersweet! Typically it brings a measure of sadness because I’m so fond of warmer months but then it also represents changes in life. We learn to accept changes we can’t control and hopefully move on better equipped. This year the change is again bittersweet. The flowers are all dead and it will be a while before I see them bloom again, already I can’t wait for that. With this year comes another change in my life and one that I will accept and use what I’ve learned. There’s something else blooming and it’s love.

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Coconut


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When I mentioned I could smell coconut you told me it was a body spray you really like. What trickery. I fucking love coconut. When we kiss, you like to caress my face. I haven’t told you, and I won’t, but I really dig that and hope you keep doing it. Your hair is long and it falls into your face sometimes so you tuck it behind your ear. I think that’s cute. A couple of times I’ve brushed it back for you. To be honest I used it as a way to get close and to kiss you again. You don’t say anything but I can tell you really like that so I’ll keep doing it. When we said our goodbyes you held my hand and I kissed yours. Some things don’t need to be said.