General anger was a common theme for me. A scowl on my face for no reason I could put my finger on but certainly the result of something or things. In time anger becomes a security blanket I suppose and the reason for it is lost as it just becomes a way of life. Something makes you angry and you hold on to that anger even after you have forgotten what caused it. What a waste of time.
Each day I put on my anger so that it was with me when I drive, gritting my teeth and daring anyone to challenge me. It was there as a kid, used as a front, so that I was perceived as a force. Anger protects and gives an appearance that will hopefully prevent being victimized.
As I stood in the kitchen, a look of anger on my face, she said in a soft voice, “what’s wrong.” I puffed up a little not wanting my wall to crack or show weakness but then there was a smile, even if a smile of slight embarrassment. I knew then it was time. I felt ashamed that my anger was visible to someone I cared about.
Eventually I began to question myself and look for the source of this anger I wore and that at times consumed me. I tried on my own, being aware of it, with some success. Then I tried with outside help and it was that combination of outside help and self-awareness that was the key.
I still get angry and grit my teeth at times but no more than anyone else does. Anger is a natural emotion just like happiness and sadness but there needs to be balance. Now when I am angry I don’t necessarily fight it but I am aware of it and consider the thing that makes me angry. Just yesterday I was trying to merge into traffic and the driver behind me was acting like he wasn’t going to let me over so I called him a MF’r out loud. Of course he couldn’t hear me but I hoped he could make out what I was saying . Right after that I kind of chuckled to myself at the overreaction and felt a little silly. It’s the self-awareness that helps.