WHY?

There is a question I’ve asked myself countless times, over and over but never with an answer. There are things I can think of but nothing I can pin down as the exact cause. Why am I getting divorced? I  thought about it in 2007 when I first thought it would be over then again in late 2008. Forward to 2014 and I’m to the point of no return, it’s done. Still the question is being asked in my mind several times a day.

As a man, and this may be true for other men as I suspect it is, when I am confronted with a problem my reaction is to find the answer and apply it accordingly. The key is being able to find the answer because without it you can’t solve the problem. When there is no obvious answer I begin to look inward and pick myself apart focusing on my own faults, things I’ve done and improvements I need to make. Self reflection is good. Self improvement is good. Thinking that by doing those things you will improve your standing with someone is not so good.

Back in 2007 I lost around 20 pounds the first time I thought I might divorce. The second time, a year later, I lost around the same and this time perhaps 10-15 pounds. It’s old hat, the impact is not the same but it still shakes me. The worry and stress of my family breaking apart has been really hard. Again this time I’ve gone the path of searching for the answer by looking at myself and blaming myself for this however I’ve been unable to solve this problem because I could never find the answer as to why.

Today I was talking to someone about this and I asked why. Their answer was,“Do you plan on spending the rest of your life wondering why? You should try to make friends with the unknown and your pain because you can’t be in a relationship with someone who wants out. Accept your reality. Prepare yourself physically, emotionally and financially for life without her. Stop asking why. Start asking what do you want now.” And “Accept you will never know why. This has been about her – not you.” 

In truth I have not been the perfect husband but I’ve worked really hard to be a better husband. I’ve put in the work, gotten the help. I’ve tried to reach out and connect but nothing I did would matter, I never felt like my efforts were appreciated and in the end they didn’t make a difference to her. Actually they made a huge difference. The difference is I am a better person as a result of self-reflection and my willingness to work at being better.

From this day forward I vow to never again ask myself why I am getting divorced. The point is moot. It’s time to move on and instead of asking why I will ask myself, what do you want now?