Visit Grandma

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Even before going to visit her I knew it would be hard to see her there, unable to talk and unconscious. Knowing that fact I talked myself up, sort of a pep talk to myself because I know that strength really isn’t there it’s just I didn’t want to fall apart. I walked in and she’s sleeping there with a look of peace on her face, the pep talk was useless. You would never know she was dying from cancer or that there was any pain at all, of course the drip of pain relief brought that peace to her. The thoughts she was having spoken in a whisper in her sleep.  She said her sisters name a couple times in almost a cry like the conversation was sad or perhaps it was happy, a happy reunion I wonder. The nurse said it’s common for people to think about and even see their loved ones when they are in that state of mind, when they are dying, and my uncle cried at that last word. I wonder if up until that moment he hadn’t grasped the idea of her dying.

As I sat there talking to my uncle the nurse came in periodically to check on her and answer any questions we had. She really was a nice lady and so helpful. Not impatient and put off like some people might be in that situation where they are forced to care for a dying person they don’t even know or love. Her words were comforting and seemed sincere.

After a while I walked up to her bed and leaned over kissing her cheek. I said “grandma this is Vince, I love you” and she heard me. Trying to lean forward like she was listening hard, opening her eyes just a little the way you might do when you want to wake up but you’re so tired you can’t fully open them all the way; she whispered “I love you Vicente.” Those were the last words I heard her speak. Two days later my brother called me and said she was gone.

Today I planed to go visit her grave. It’s not the first time I’ve made those plans and won’t be the last but I still can’t bring myself to go. Even now I think I could just go get dressed and do it but I don’t know what I would say. Besides if I can’t pull myself together at the thought of her how much worse would it be when I am standing there?

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