I’ve heard stories of people going to a counselor only to find themselves facing a past that was better off left there. Or worse yet dealing with a false event that was dreamed up in some way that makes it difficult to separate from reality. Reminds me of lyrics from the song Plowed by Sponge:
Will I wake up
Is it a dream I made up
No I guess it’s reality
What will change us
Or will we mess up
Our only chance to connect
With a dream…
I’m not sure if those lyrics apply to what I’m talking about here but that’s always the way I’ve seen it. That “fear” I guess you could call it has kept me from getting any type of personal professional help for a long time. Well that’s one of the reasons anyway. The other reason is because I always figured I could just work out things for myself and once the issue has been identified it’s just a matter of making changes to fix that issue. Sounds simple enough in my mind but I have come to the realization not everyone, myself included, is equipped with the necessary tools to fix everything.
We all know people who grew up in less than favorable environments but come out of it in apparent decent shape. Using your childhood experiences as an excuse as to why you’re fucked up has never sat well with me. You make your way eventually and no matter what challenges you were faced with as a child you do have the ability to make your future positive, for the most part. Well at least that’s the way I used to view it. As much as it still rubs me wrong I need to come to terms with the fact that my own childhood did indeed fuck me up in several ways. Lets see, I don’t trust anyone, I have a hard time relating to people, I view almost every male as a psychical threat, I have never really trusted females, anger issues, depression and anxiety with whatever else. So these are emotions that most people deal with I think but there’s a difference between having these emotions on occasion and living with these emotions day in and day out. I fucking hate it!
The earliest memory of my childhood is of one of my mom’s boyfriends chasing her out of the house with a gun butt naked in the middle of the day. Sounds comedic when I think of it now but shit, that’s my earliest childhood memory and I think about it always. The alcohol abuse, drug abuse, cheating, violence, being put second to bastards, going to bed so hungry but there being enough money for alcohol or crack, the screaming, seeing my mom get beat up and feeling like life is just hell. Even at an early age I knew it wasn’t right to live like that and I promised myself I would never repeat those things and my children would grow up in a loving “functional” home.
Sometimes I feel like I should hate my mother for all those years, at a younger age I did, but I can’t now. In fact I feel sorry for her having spent all those years being mistreated and abused only now to find herself a sick women without love. She’s not alone but she has no love for the person she’s with now even though he treats her right and respects her. I’m sure she’s incapable of loving a man who respects her.
So far I’ve succeeded in having almost everything I dreamed of as a child. A home, a wonderful wife, children of my own and a means to pay some of the bills, clean clothes (a washing machine), food in the fridge… These might seem like basic things most people have but as a child they were like a dream to me and if I could have them one day what else could I possibly wish for.
That wish has come true for me and I need to hold on to it and make it good so today I made a call for help.
3.17.08 The date of my first session.