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facing it


I’ve heard stories of people going to a counselor only to find themselves facing a past that was better off left there. Or worse yet dealing with a false event that was dreamed up in some way that makes it difficult to separate from reality.  Reminds me of lyrics from the song Plowed by Sponge:

Will I wake up
Is it a dream I made up
No I guess it’s reality
What will change us
Or will we mess up
Our only chance to connect
With a dream…

I’m not sure if those lyrics apply to what I’m talking about here but that’s always the way I’ve seen it. That “fear” I guess you could call it has kept me from getting any type of personal professional help for a long time. Well that’s one of the reasons anyway. The other reason is because I always figured I could just work out things for myself and once the issue has been identified it’s just a matter of making changes to fix that issue. Sounds simple enough in my mind but I have come to the realization not everyone, myself included, is equipped with the necessary tools to fix everything. 

We all know people who grew up in less than favorable environments but come out of it in apparent decent shape. Using your childhood experiences as an excuse as to why you’re fucked up has never sat well with me. You make your way eventually and no matter what challenges you were faced with as a child you do have the ability to make your future positive, for the most part. Well at least that’s the way I used to view it. As much as it still rubs me wrong I need to come to terms with the fact that my own childhood did indeed fuck me up in several ways. Lets see, I don’t trust anyone, I have a hard time relating to people, I view almost every male as a psychical threat, I have never really  trusted females, anger issues, depression and anxiety with whatever else. So these are emotions that most people deal with I think but there’s a difference between having these emotions on occasion and living with these emotions day in and day out. I fucking hate it!

The earliest memory of my childhood is of one of my mom’s boyfriends chasing her out of the house with a gun butt naked in the middle of the day. Sounds comedic when I think of it now but shit, that’s my earliest childhood memory and I think about it always. The alcohol abuse, drug abuse, cheating, violence, being put second to bastards, going to bed so hungry but there being enough money for alcohol or crack, the screaming, seeing my mom get beat up and feeling like life is just hell. Even at an early age I knew it wasn’t right to live like that and I promised myself I would never repeat those things and my children would grow up in a loving “functional” home. 

Sometimes I feel like I should hate my mother for all those years, at a younger age I did, but I can’t now. In fact I feel sorry for her having spent all those years being mistreated and abused only now to find herself a sick women without love.  She’s not alone but she has no love for the person she’s with now even though he treats her right and respects her. I’m sure she’s incapable of loving a man who respects her.

So far I’ve succeeded in having almost everything I dreamed of as a child. A home, a wonderful wife, children of my own and a means to pay some of the bills, clean clothes (a washing machine), food in the fridge… These might seem like basic things most people have but as a child they were like a dream to me and if I could have them one day what else could I possibly wish for.

That wish has come true for me and I need to hold on to it and make it good so today I made a call for help.

 
3.17.08  The date of my first session.

7 Comments

  • this is deep my friend. i too shared a lot of the same apprehension about therapy and dealing with my childhood. You know what i am learning, yeah, we did make it out ok, but we certainly arent equipped with many life-skills that so many people have, our mothers failed at teaching us so much. Further, i don’t feel sorry for Jane anymore. I didn’t start getting healthier and dealing with people the right way until i stopped fealing sorry for her and started well, getting really angry. i wonder if that will happen to you too? Kirsten

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    • I just don’t know if I can be angry with her like that. I mean she’s so sick now I feel like I can’t waste any time being angry with her because it’s something I would regret down the road. She knows it was wrong and I pretty much let her have it a few years ago. She was crying and said she was sorry but what’s done is done. Who knows how this will play out but my true obligation is to myself and my family now and I need to be healthy for us.

      That’s weird to think of myself as unhealthy and I don’t even know if I should classify myself as that, I don’t think I like this talk anymore, ahhaha shit!

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  • Boy do I know where your coming from. I do finally realize that my childhood is what made me the crazy fucked up adult I am. Its been a long process trying to heal and get my issues dealt with. And as you start to peel through the layer, there is stuff there you didnt even realized effected the way you do things. Seriously. And as the layers feel never ending, as you go through each one you really do start to feel more whole. At least I have. I think its awesome you are ready to face these things, and heal.

    I am glad to see your not holding your mother to it, she did what she could. Was it the best? Probably not. Could she of done better? Maybe so. Did she love you? Although it might have not felt like it, she most defintely did. Whats important now is that we or you are learning from what she did. What is in the past is in the past. Life is to short to hold onto anger. Once you forgive her for what she has done, and really just feel sad about it and for her, you can start your healing process. And your exactly at that point. Going through all those things as a child, and now trying to make sense of ourselves as an adult…that is what makes us what we are today. All the good, bad, and ugly – theres always a learning and growing experience in all of it.

    If you ever need to talk to someone, Im here. As I get to know you better, I realize we have a lot in common.

    P.S. Nice song choice. My Brother in laws brother use to be in Sponge back in the day 🙂

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    • i don’t want to start an e-war on my friends blog so i will just respectfully disagree with that entire post and also suggest that his wife is “here” to talk to

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      • I thought I was logged in when I posted that comment, so you know Vince its me.

        To anonymous, Everyones experiences differ, so everyone has a different point of view. As well as everyone has a right to their own opinion. And his wife is as close of a friend to me as him, so of course I assume he is talking to her. Nothing wrong in having have many avenues to confide in, especially when you grew up with the similar childhoods.

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      • With my wife I know I can talk to her about anything at all and there’s never been a time when she’s made me feel like a idiot for bringing things up, it’s all about timing. It’s sad to me that I’ve missed out on that aspect of her for so many years but really it’s one of the biggest, if not THE biggest, improvement I have enjoyed during these past months, just being able to talk to her and really enjoy it.

        Yesterday I was reading online about dealing with jealousy, anger, depression and the like and the thing that stuck out to me is not only the fact that I could relate on so many levels, it’s like the advice was written directly about me, but also the fact that there are many methods in dealing with various issues. Some of them seemed really long and tedious while others appeared to be simple little changes we make.

        Either way I appreciate ALL my friends, as few as they may be, and want nothing more than to have people to reach out to who will just listen and I want to offer the same. In my opinion that’s an important aspect of friendship and you should be able to reach out. On the other hand we all have our own problems and sometimes it’s overwhelming enough dealing with them let alone the thought of taking on another’s. And you know what? that’s alright too.

        I think we can all agree that not everyone deals with issues in the same way, some do it right and some do it wrong, but that’s why I choose to seek out a professional because it’s worth it to me to handle this properly.

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