Day: March 6, 2008


the skinny

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I’m not really discouraged per say about this but I just wish I could gain some muscle weight. When I look at my alien like body in the mirror I want to go eat a pizza because I worry about what others think about me and don’t want to look sickly skinny. For the past few months my weight has remained at 155 which for me is unusual as I have always been the type to gain and drop five pounds in a given week. But today when I stepped on the scale, with all my clothes on and a big ass leather belt, I was at the lower end of 153. No doubt in the nude I would be at the low end of 150 or whatever. My wife made a comment today asking me if I lost weight too. I know she’s sensitive to my own sensitivity concerning my weight and doesn’t mean anything by it but it’s hard for me to hear anything about my weight. This has always resulted in an increase of 20-25 pounds because I get to the point where I just eat whatever I want with no concern for calories, not a place I want to be so balance is very much needed here.

It’s not a matter of a psychical problem causing me to loose weight but rather a mental problem preventing me from eating enough food to maintain a steady weight. This week, for whatever reasons, I have been stressed and feeling generally depressed which for me just takes away my appetite completely. And it’s not even like I feel hungry at all but can’t eat, it’s just that I don’t feel hungry. Today we went to a local coney island and I broke down and got a Reuben w/spinach pie and managed to eat all of it even though the last half of the sandwich didn’t go down easy. Times like these I have to sort of force myself to eat so I don’t blow away in the wind.

I’m thinking about setting up some personal counseling so I don’t have these lows so often. Or I can just wait for the spring to come which always brings me joy.