Caveman

While I’ve known a good number of friends and acquaintances who have passed away I’m always most effected by those who I believe to be “good people” or to have reason to live. That’s not to say I think any of them deserved to die but there are those who certainly deserved to live. Out of those I’ve known, there have been a few who have taken their own lives. A few days ago someone I considered an acquaintances, a moderator from a forum I frequent, took his life at the young age of 21. There were no signs or indication this person was in the depths of depression other than the occasional comment about being upset or bummed for whatever reason, much like what everyone deal with. The extent of his problems were not know by anyone other than perhaps his closest friends and family.

When I think about my life at the age of 21 I remember having felt like there was more in life for me and so many things I wanted to discover. Having a family and someone I could love and cherish were probably the things I thought about most. That was also a time when I was in a deep depression feeling like life was pointless with little to no meaning. It’s difficult for some to relate to what could drive a person to take their own life but for those of us who have felt that deep pain and the hopelessness that comes with depression it’s familiar. I think about all I would have missed had I taken that path and am grateful for the person in my life who helped me by just being there. For Cain I imagine he must have felt like there was no one to turn to and no hope for things to be better. In fact his note said he couldn’t live like this any longer. 

Cain was different than most in that he not only had a genuine desire to help others, he put his desire to action and planned to join the force to, in his words, “find a way to serve others.” When I think of a depressed person, someone who wants to be a help to others doesn’t come to mind. That’s what was most shocking to me when I heard he took his life. He was a really good kid with great intentions and bright future. At the same time I feel anger for his having caused so much pain to his family. What it must have been like for them to find him that way is unimaginable. I wish I could have talked to him on that day to let him know things can and do get better and to hold onto the gift of life. He would have seen that if he just held on.